June 1st 2020; The plaza between St. John’s Church and Lafayette Park was full of people (mostly American citizens) nonviolently protesting police brutality late Monday afternoon when U.S. Park Police and National Guard Troops fired rubber bullets and tear gas into the crowd. This was followed by a charge of the troops and a violent clearing of the area. A holy congregation from the White House marched through the cleared area and carefully positioned themselves in front of St. John’s Church for a photo op with a bible. When asked why the peaceful crowd was dispersed the White House responded, ‘we cleared the area of rioters, Antifa and dirty hippies so that the President could make a statement.’ Although no statement was made, the White House reiterated that the bible was ‘real’.
Unfortunately, some of the caustic tear gas entered the National Archives and damaged some of the older parchment-based documents. The US Constitution was one of the documents in the process of being moved and could have sustained serious damage from the caustic gas. When asked about the status of the US Constitution the White House said they were ‘unaware’.
Later in the week the President finally referred directly to the unfortunate black man who was executed by police on the streets of Minneapolis, George Floyd. “Hopefully George is looking down and saying this is a great thing that’s happening for our country. (It’s) a great day for him. It’s a great day for everybody,” The President said during a White House Rose Garden event before signing legislation devoted to corporate loans. When asked later why it was a great day for Mr. Floyd, The President responded, ‘In black heaven, there is no racism.’ The White House refused to elaborate on his answer.
Palm Beach Florida. A deranged Florida Man was subdued while shouting at passers-by in his Palm Beach neighborhood. Almost completely naked and confused the man was shouting, “I see the disinfectant that knocks it out in a minute, one minute. And is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside or almost a cleaning? As you see, it gets in the lungs, it does a tremendous number on the lungs!” Police had to intervene before the man could finish chugging a bottle of Windex. The crazed Florida Man then grabbed one of the officer’s flashlights and jammed it up his ass while screaming, “Bring the light inside the body, which you can do either through the skin or in some other way, very powerful light!” No arrests were made but one officer and the individual had to go to the hospital. Officer Scott Higgins of the PBPD commented afterward. “Sometimes you kinda hope they are on drugs, it can explain a lot of their unholy actions. Its when they do this kind of stuff and are THEY are not on drugs you start to wonder what is wrong with them.” When asked about his injuries Officer Higgins explained that he was uninjured. “I just wanted my flashlight back“. B. Sexpin, Channel 4 News
January 15th, 2020, Houston TX: In the wake of the cheating scandal, The Enron Corporation has filed suit in Federal Court to have their name disassociate with the disgraced Houston Astros. The legal entity ‘Enron Corporation’ a remnant shell company still existing for legal purposes has taken a bold step to have their name permanently disconnected and separated from the Houston Astros Baseball Corporation.
The Minute Made Corporation has also filed a separate suit against the Astros that would in effect remove their name from Houston’s ballpark. Steve Conniver, a spokesperson for Minute Made, was quoted by the AP as saying, ‘We will not subject our good name to the foul stench of cheating, the bankruptcy of character and void of being that the Houston Astros displayed.” Continuing “We, in good standing with the community of orange juice drinkers, will not tolerate nor sanction this dismal behavior.” Enron officials could not be reached nor would their parole officers comment on the decision.
Former Attorney General Jeff Sessions followed up his first campaign ad as a 2020 Senate candidate with open admiration for the LSU Football Program. Jeff Session announced that his support for LSU Football has been unwavering and he has never openly cheered against LSU Football. While being an Alabama Native, Jeff Sessions openly confessed his undying support for the LSU Football program after LSU clearly embarrassed the Red Tide this Saturday in Alabama. After the thorough 46 to 41 beatdown of Nick Saban’s team, the former AG said he would continue to support LSU Football and try to ‘work together’ for the things that matter most to LSU and the great state of Louisiana. Jeff Sessions could not be reached for comment but one of his staffers provide us with an LSU foam finger and purple and gold pom-poms.
Even in recent years, every stoner faced certain risks when going in for a toke while in Sin City. Ironically, in a city known for sin, vice and other entertainments, laws against cannabis use & possession were notoriously harsh. You might still bring a big bag of chronic to a bachelor party, but the smart stoners knew to keep it low key.
You can read about those times in the history books, because Nevada flipped the script. Vegas went legal and hasn’t looked back, and this fabulous, fun city now takes care of us stoners like it’s always taken care of drunken gamblers – by giving us what we need 24/7.
Next time you roll into Las Vegas needing your medicine, pop by one of the many dispensaries around town – we plucked three below to get you started, but peek around because you might have a golden dispensary sitting right next to your Motel 6 room. They’ll leave the lights on for you.
What can you say? Planet 13 is a massive, must-visit cannabis dispensary that seems more like a giant Apple tech store that a place to buy weed. You can see the future of cannabis now at one of the largest, most absurd weed shops on the planet
2548 West Desert Inn Road, Las Vegas, Nevada 89109
Right around the corner from Spearmint Rhino Gentlemen’s Club
Major hotels close by include Wynn Las Vegas, Encore & Treasure Island
Las Vegas ReLeaf Dispensary
If you’re staying in legendary Downtown Las Vegas, or getting your thrill ride on at the Stratosphere Hotel, you need to hit up Las Vegas ReLeaf Dispensary at the North end of town
Located practically on the Las Vegas strip, ReLeaf has a great shop with the killer THC and has been on top of the legal weed scene in Vegas as long as anyone
You can literally walk out of the shop and into a McDonald’s located right next door.
2244 Paradise Road, Las Vegas, Nevada 89104
Major hotels close by include Stratosphere, Westgate & Circus Circus
The Apothecarium Shoppe
On the West Side of town you can fill all of your THC needs & find great Daily Deals at The Apothecarium Shoppe
4240 West Flamingo Road, Las Vegas, Nevada 89103
Right across the street from The Palms Casino & right next door to Gold Coast Casino & Sonic Burger
In a sudden break from talks over air safety, the president raised his finger and exclaimed to the room, ‘ Do you know where this finger’s been?’. Attendees were uncertain what he meant or if he was asking a question about air safety. The meeting quickly veered back on course once he put down his finger and smiled assuredly to the air safety meeting attendees. When asked about the incident after the meeting, Trump said, ‘That’s the finger that pushes the button’. It is unclear what he meant by either statement.